4 days after dinner with Phil's family I was laying on the couch when Phil came in looking quite upset. "Dan.." Phil said very quietly, I sat up and pulled my legs to my chest.
"Yeah?" I asked, I was a bit worried about what he was going to say, maybe he was going to break up with me because I had gotten so fat, he looked so upset, Finally when he looked me in the eyes I knew he was going to say it, my heart was beating so fast, "Look, we need to talk..".
"Dan, why haven't you been eating?" ding ding ding. There we go. Lie. Quick.
"What are you talking about? I eat" I said in rushed words, I wanted him to believe me, but I also wanted to tell him my worries. But that wouldn't work, he'd just lie to me and say I'm perfect the way I am, but thats a lie. I'm not perfect, I'm fat and ugly.
"Dan, I watch you at dinner time, you talk to me constantly and you dont eat. Whats wrong? Is my cooking bad? Do you not like what I make?" Phil asked, I didn't want to worry him because his cooking was perfect, I loved him cooking for me, cause well not only did I not have to cook he made it feel like home.
"No Phil, your cooking is perfect. believe me. I just feel a bit sick is all" I said, trying to lie my best but it just wasn't coming out right. I felt this pang in my stomach of guilt. He deserved to know but I didn't want to tell him.
"Dan, you've been feeling sick for a while now, do you need A&E? Doctors? want me to make you an appointment?" Phil asked, he had such a worried look on his face, such concern, thats when the panic set in. I couldn't go to a doctors, they'd tell me that I have a problem, that I weigh to much, that I need to stop eating so much. I'm so big I'm surprised I haven't broken this couch.
"No! I'm f-fine. Believe me" I said quickly, I started to feel panicky. I didn't want to see the doctors.
"Then you wouldn't mind eating this?" Phil asked holding out a bowl of cheesy pasta, I looked down at it and I could feel my stomach tense up, I wanted food so bad and it looked so good, but I couldn't, I had to stick by my no eating.
"Phil..I'm not hungry" I winned, I hoped that he would believe me but part of me knew that he wouldn't believe me.
"You haven't eaten all day, I have to go get groceries but I'm not leaving until you eat this. Its your favorite I know it is!" Phil said, he had that pout on his face, that one that no one could say no to. I was trying to stall to think of a way around this. How could I make it look like I ate if he is watching me. There was only one way around, I'd have to eat it.
"Give me it" I muttered holding out my hands, his face light up like I just promised him a new puppy, that felt good but I knew what I was going to do next wouldn't feel good. "Do I have to eat all of it, I'm really not hungry" I said picking up the fork,
"I just wanna see you eat half of it. I'm really worried about you, I mean if you're feeling sick and cant eat then we should really get you to a doctor" Phil said, I ignored his rambled and stared down at the food. This was going to hurt, but maybe it would be good for me? Never. Cant. This wont be good. I stabbed the fork into some of the noodles and put it into my mouth. Phil's lips twitched into a small smile, chewing the noodles until there was hardly anything left I swallowed, it was painful. My head was screaming at me to stop; that I couldn't continue eating but my body was telling me yes. Why would my head lie to me? It wouldn't.
I ate a few more fork fulls then set it down on the coffee table, putting on my best fake smile I turned to Phil. "That helped a bit, I think after a shower I will be okay" I said standing up slowly, I knew that if I stopped up to quickly I'd see stars again. Phil pulled me into a light hug as I walked past
"I'm sorry but I was worried, I never want you to leave me" Phil muttered into my shoulder, That hurt, He never wanted me to leave, I was worried that he'd leave but he never wants me to leave.
"I'd never leave" I whispered, pulling out of our hug I lightly tapped his nose before walking past him and into the bathroom. The pasta felt heavy in my stomach, it hurt, sort of like I swallowed a bowling ball that was slowly breaking apart in my stomach. I knew how to get rid of his feeling, we learned about it in school.
Turning on the shower to eliminate some of the sound I bent down in front of the toilet, this shouldn't be hard. It would help get the food back out, te food that weighed down. Gently sticking my fingers into my mouth I stroked the back of my throat until I gagged. I could feel the acidic feeling lerch up my throat quickly removing my fingers I let myself vomit up anything in my stomach. I must admit it really hurt, my throat burned by the time I had thrown up about 4 more times, I had to make sure everything was out. I couldn't let a single bit of that food put any weight onto me. I knew I shouldn't be doing this. I knew Phil wasn't going to leave me, but he might. There is always that possibility. A sob ripped through me and I crawled into the shower.